After eight months in South-East Asia it was inevitable that we would end up using that weird hose sitting behind the toilet in every public and private bathroom.
Initially, I didn’t fully grasp the concept of spraying your butt hole, rather than wiping the butt hole (I blame my parents and Western society for leading me down the wrong path), but now having used the butt spray on more than several occasions, I completely understand the notion of showering your arsehole after a number 2 with clean, fresh water! I mean, if there’s dog poo on the hypothetical table, would you use tissue paper to smear it around, or would you use a bucket with water to wash it away? Exactly.
Like with using a squat toilet, there are a few cardinal rules that you should follow, unless you want your pants completely soaked, or shite sprayed all over the room (this can happen; imagine a jet powered hose blasting into a freshy). So check out the below tips that I’ve discovered for using the hose so that you too, can enjoy the sensation and cleanliness of using a butt spray instead of that pleby, primitive, dirty thing we call toilet paper.
1. Always Test Spray the Hose Somewhere Else.
Luckily most bathrooms in South-East Asia are ‘wet rooms,’ rooms that are permanently wet due to the shower hanging over the toilet. This means you can use the hose anywhere in the room to test the velocity and strength of the stream. Cockroach in that corner? Spray it down the drain. Spider hanging over the toilet? Spray it down the drain. Someone else’s pubic hair all over the floor? Spray it down the drain.
This step is crucial as you don’t want a full strength spray accidentally shooting into the toilet bowl, thus spraying the contents of said bowl up into your bottom.
2. If Possible, Flush the Contents of Your Bowels Away.
I like to hover a bit and flush the toilet before sitting back down and commencing the spraying of the buttocks. This means that if I miscalculate and accidentally spray the bowl the water that sprays back onto my butt will be clean water, and not shitty water. If you want to save the environment and only flush once, good on you, just be very mindful of where you aim.
3. Aim is Everything.
Don’t aim pointing down your butt cheeks. This will not clean anything and will just cause you to have wet butt cheeks. Pretty horrible when you next stand up and water is dripping down your legs.
You will actually need to aim up at a slight angle to actually get within the hole vicinity. Not directly up as this will be a weird sensation (basically your arse hole will get water boarded), and you might get flecks of waste spraying everywhere. Instead, it needs to be at such a slight upwards angle to ensure your hole does get sprayed, but also so that the waste water will drip neatly into the bowl. Lionel said he hovers to do this. I don’t. Each to their own.
4. Close Your Legs. Don’t “Man-Spread.”
Have you heard of this ‘man spreading’ phenomenon? It’s bloody annoying. It’s when an arrogant man decides (I say ‘decide’ because it is a conscious decision) to spread his legs wide, thus taking up more space on either side of him. Basically encroaching onto the people next to him. Worst culprits can be found on public transport and on flights. I guess he needs to air out his balls or something…?
But I digress, when you use a bum-gun, make sure you CLOSE YOUR LEGS. Sometimes your aim might be a bit off, and you can get water shooting out under your legs, into the air, onto the floor. Or worse, the water will hit your bum hole, then splash up into your face, especially if you’re looking down to see what’s happening.
You definitely do not need shitty water in your face.
5. Try to Dry
It’s not always easy as toilet paper is not consistently supplied in South-East Asia, but it is preferably to finish up with some paper. Mostly to ensure your butt hole is clean, but also to make sure it isn’t damp. Just imagine what a damp, dark, claustrophobic area within synthetic underwear will feel like in Asia’s humidity. Just imagine…
Now, if you are anything like us, you have completely fallen in love with the concept of the “bum gun”. Once we finally settle down somewhere, we will definitely be getting this!
6. TP in the Bin
Having lived in Thailand for two years, and being in South-East Asia for close to three years, I now have something new to add in terms of using The Golden Throne. Once you have bombarded your arsehole with water, and dried it with a flimsy, half a ply square of toilet paper, please, please do not throw it down the toilet. South-East Asian plumbings cannot deal with this shit!! They can deal with actual human excrement, but not paper, and certainly not female hygiene products. I know it’s gross to put used toilet paper in the little plastic waste bins next to the toilet, but if you’ve used the Bum Gun correctly (and I should hope this blog piece taught you well), then the TP should be ever so slightly damp, but not tainted.
Once these toilets get clogged up, it’s game over for you, your toilet, and your dignity. You don’t know how many times Lionel and I had to learn this lesson the hard way (of course not with female hygiene products – I’m not an uneducated monster!).
So there you have it. A couple of tips we’ve collected along the way. Rest assured we’ve done the groundwork for you and your butt. Your butt will thank us.
And, for the ladies who are traveling around SE Asia, don’t forget to pick up a menstrual cup either!
But Please, Don’t Be These Guys…
One memory that is close to my heart is when we were in Malaysia, second week of traveling, having dinner with a friend. Lionel went to the bathroom to wash his hands after dinner; we had used our hands to eat, like a local(!) – and he came back complaining that the tap and hose were ridiculously low to the ground and unhygienically close to the toilet. Turns out he thought the butt spray was a tap for washing your hands!
And just before we moved to Koh Tao, Lionel also saw a guy come out of a cubicle with the back of his t-shirt completely and utterly drenched. He obviously did not follow tip Number 3.
Let us know if you have had any butt spray mishaps, or go and check out My Guide to Squat Toilets!
34 Comments
Navneet
Thanks for this informative post.
emma
You’re welcome. I hope your bum is cleaner than ever!
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Theresa
Thanks for this post! I still have some questions though: 1. If you’re sitting on the toilet, how do you get the spray nozzle below your butt to achieve the upwards angle you recommend? Do you scooch forward so you’re only halfway covering the seat. I kind of need a diagram, seriously! I can kind of understand if you hover like Lionel, but am still having issues fully understanding how to achieve this, maybe next question could help. 2. What is ideal distance from gun to butthole? 3. How do you prevent the toilet seat from getting wet? E.g. is there another step where you raise the toilet seat part? Thank you sooo much!!!
emma
Hi Theresa,
Sorry for the delay in replying. I would blame it on the internet connection in Thailand, however, that would be a lie. I will try to answer your questions incase it helps another poor sod on the toilet in Asia!
1. Lift your butt slightly so you can achieve that upwards angle spray. You don’t have to scooch too much forward, but i guess the motion is ‘shift forward and lift that ass.’
2. Ideal distance from bumhole to bumgun is about 15 cms. If the pressure of the bumgun is weak AF, then you will need to get closer (but ‘No touching,’ that would be super gross and then you’ll have to disinfect the nozzle!), and if the pressure is super strong, then you’ll move it further away from said bumhole, otherwise you’re in for a colonoscopy. I find it the pressure is too strong, i use the gun in ‘spurts,’ like a little spray here and there, rather than a constant stream.
3. The toilet seat shouldn’t get wet. The bumgun is facing your bum, and nozzle should be slightly IN the toilet bowl so all the water falls in. If the pressure is high, you might get some sprayback and that’s when the back of the seat might get wet. Usually not a massive problem. Oh, and close your legs and have your thighs pressed against each other. That stops the water from shooting into your face…
Lan
Hi emma i’ll accidently bum into ur blog when searching for a viral news about a toursit that stay at Hanoi, Vietnam shower with bidet bum gun 30 october 2018. I wouldn’t know that it was a biggie for a westener when its come to using bum gun in SE Asia. Glad that now u realized how its feel after using bum gun the clean and fresh sensation. And dont worry about water..we have lots amount of water in SE. In facts if u think over..Malaysia..Thailand or singapore is just a big island surrounded with water. One things that westener didn’t know when SE asia peeps travel abroad we actually have a problem using western toilet. We usually have a small mineral water kept in our backpack. Just in case if we need to use the toilet..we need to fill the bottle with water from the tab first before proceed to toilet bowl. Usually we will wash our butt hole with combination of toilet paper and a very cold water together to ensure the butt was feeling clean and fresh. Imagine how cold the water is and its pain and needles when it’s reach ur butt cheek.
emma
Bhaha, thanks Lan for your insightful comments!
I especially did not realise that some people take in a bottle of water when using a non-bum gun equipped inferior toilet. This is something I may need to consider now that I’m in Europe and I’m missing that ‘clean and fresh’ or ‘pain and needles’ feeling!
Tushar
thanks for sharing information…..
emma
You are super welcome!
emma
You’re welcome! I hope you enjoyed it!
emma
You’re welcome! Come and check out my new post on using a Squat Toilet!
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Janice
if they created a sprayer why won’t they create a blow dryer after using the water? Just like washing hands and then blow dry their hands then we won’t have a clog problem with paper.
emma
Hey Janice, good point. But I guess it’s just so hot in SE Asia so basically your butt dries almost instantly.
Fancy places have those fancy toilets with a proper bum spray built into the toilet (with various settings), with a dryer, and heated toilet seats. Some even have a button that you can press so it plays music to hide the noises coming from your butt and the toilet. Craziness!!
Edward
Thanks for the article, I read this while.on the throne! My first (uneducated attempt) was a shocker; the hotel had rather high pressure and the angle was wrong, resulting in a shock to the hole and water shooting around the bowl.
emma
…and by water shooting around the bowl, I assume you mean ‘shitty water’ shooting around the bowl? Haha, classic. Anyone who claims this never happens is a born liar! I’ve just written up a how to for the ‘Squat Toilet’. Come and check it out incase you’re ever de-throned, and need to use one!
TheOccipital
Back in ’02 I farted while sat in a bar. Thanks to the poo gun I was able to clean up the aftermath and left with my dignity and a pair of wet shorts…
Jennifer Brockman
Emma or big question has been bugging us but we want to know how can a person female dry themselves after having used the bum gun? We noted there is no toilet paper. How do women dry themselves.
emma
While traveling I always had a fistful of tissues in my pocket. I would collect these from everywhere and anywhere. Before we checked out of a place, I would grab a handful of toilet paper and stuff it into my pocket, of if we were in some tiny little shack food stop, I would grab some napkins off the table.
When there wasn’t toilet paper involved however, I would have to execute the ‘hover & shake.’ You bend and hover, and then you shake side to side, up and down. You’d also want to wait 30 seconds or so, and hope the dry stuffy air in the cubicle air drys your bum crack!
I’m pretty sure the locals do this too…
Steeve
Hilarious article! And very recognizable.. Last year I went to Central India to follow a yoga teacher training in a yoga ashram called Arhanta Yoga. They have a school also in Holland so I expected there would be a lot of European influence (that is actually why I chose them). I was shocked when I discovered there was no toilet paper and I experienced exactly the same doubts and problems, wish I had read your article before going! 😉 Eventually, same as you, I had to admit that the water is actually so much more clean and hygienic then our toilet paper.. I am even doubting to get one installed in my own house 😀
emma
Hey Steeeeve, I’m sure you must have encountered a squat toilet in India too? How did you go with that? For me it was even scarier than the bum-gun, which is why I just wrote a how to guide for the squat toilet! Haha. Come and check it out and let me know what you think! Cheers.
Graham Franklin
Hi Emma. 5 posts on toilets in southeast Asia, I’m impressed! You have done your research the hard way or should I say the runny way lol. The first time I went to Thailand I had to use a squat toilet on the way to the airport, dodgy food from KFC a few days before I flew home, well, no toilet paper and soggy jeans/boxer shorts, horrible, although I find the bum gun quite good…
emma
Thanks! Let’s just say between Lionel and I we’ve experienced it all. You can’t really hide anything when you’re staying in a wooden bungalow with a bathroom divider wall that reaches your armpits!
Graham Franklin
Very true, but I bet the wooden bungalow is cheap as chips! The first time I visited my wife’s parents house in northeast Thailand, they had a European style toilet, but it was not plumbed in, looked nice though and they bought me some toilet paper too 🙂
Jon Colen
Great post and just what I needed, made me laugh too so cheers emma
emma
Thanks Jon. Enjoy using the bum gun! It’ll provide hours of entertainment!
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Natalie
This is so hilarious! I can’t imagine you actually put the entire process/experience into words and in details!
gegiplanet
lol had a laugh reading this post!
emma
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it!
Lisa
Thanks Emma. Thoroughly informative and extremely descriptive. I feel fully confident in using a butt spray the next chance I get.
emma
I aim to please!
Damon
Abu Dhabi international airport, Emirates Business lounge – didn’t follow rule No 1. That hose pressure was set to “Paint Stripper”, I screamed like a 6 year old girl. Never gain, …Once bitten…..
lionel
This image is now burned into my memory forever 🙂